Something has Happened: My Skin is Starting to Fit...

So, I got on the scale this past weekend. You must understand, I've only "used" the scale in the past few years to mark progress during contest prep. Then it gathers dust (and other things...) on the floor of the bathroom.

But I just decided the other morning to "woman up" and climb aboard.

Let me explain a bit about the lead up to all of this.

I'm not that hungry lately. Really. I mean, yeah, my appetite seems a little increased on leg day, but c'mon! We're talking about Abel leg training here. But whatever. This whole food thing both has and hasn't been my focus of late. I haven't "binged" since I can't remember when. I've eaten stuff that is not "food;" treats, sweets, junk out of boxes and bags, etc. But what's missing is the eyes-rolling-back-in-the-head, eat 'til it HURTS kind of thing like you do post-contest (and sometimes well beyond) when it feels like you can never get enough.

So why am I not very hungry? Well, for one thing, there's some emotional baggage gone out the cargo hold. Bye-bye. Adios. It's the kind of baggage that can pile up again if you let it; that's hot happening.

Why else? Well, I'm eating and paying attention. For the first time ever that I can remember. I sit, fork or spoon in hand, bowl or plate or plastic container in front of me, and focus on what's going into my mouth. Sounds simple doesn't it? It isn't. The first time I decided to make this change (no eating in front of the computer; no eating and reading; no eating in front of the TV; no eating while using the iPhone; no eating while driving), I actually forgot to do it. First thing in the morning after deciding to try this tactic, I nuked my oatmeal, sat down, and immediately cracked open a book on my Kindle. After a few bites, I went, "Holy crap. I can't believe how automatic it is to eat and zone out. Wow."

So what does the above have to do with not being hungry? Well, I can actually "hear" my body tell me when I'm full now. Sometimes it doesn't happen at all and I'm still hungry after my meal. And that's fine. I don't need to feel full after every meal. But sometimes I literally don't want to finish what I'm eating. And I don't. If I'm done, I'll put the rest away for later.

So what about those indulgent meals (the ones we choose, not the compulsions; those just don't happen anymore) and treats? Well, there's a different mindset with those now. Like when we went to the Stampede Grounds. The last few years, this annual outing has fallen very shortly after a contest for me, during my scheduled break, so touring the grounds is about eating as much of the crazy midway food as you can get in while you're there. I ate plenty, but I also did a lot of "tasting:" a bite of this, a taste of that, instead of one for David, one for me, repeat, repeat, repeat.

So what do weekends look like? Well, not a free for all. Sometimes hotdogs cooked over our firepit followed up by S'mores; sometimes steak and salad and a couple of brew; sometimes not crazy different from during the week.

So back to the scale thing. Well, as I said, I just decided that I was going to hop aboard. No emotion; no dread. Mid morning. Not "dry" like we love to do before sending pics to Scott. I'd had some coffee and my normal liter or so of water. And I was dressed. Yes, fully dressed!

So why is this a big deal for me? Because I was kind of shocked by what the dial said. It was a lot lower than I was expecting. And what made it even more surprising was that the weekend before we were at the Stampede Grounds, the week following was not entirely "clean" in terms of how I normally eat (and included a goodbye meal for one of my work team who is going on mat leave, which I didn't finish but thoroughly enjoyed), and I weighed myself on a Sunday after the aforesaid night of hotdogs and S'mores with the kids, of which I enjoyed plenty.

So what's going on here? Well, food is losing its emotional hook for me. I am tuning into my body and its biological/metabolic needs. I'm "hearing" its messages for the first time ever. And while it may not seem like it, I'm hardly thinking of food at all if I'm not actually eating it or preparing it, and when that's happening, I'm focused on just being present.

I guess this is working for me.

So what's next? I don't know. If I tighten things up a bit, those quad blasts and pullups will feel a whole lot different. That could be fun.

But for now, I'm fine with putting the scale back to use, paying attention to my life, and just letting things happen.

October Workshop on Food Issues

I'll be attending a workshop put on by Scott Abel in Kelowna, BC, in October. The topic is pretty interesting to me. Here's an excerpt from the workbook Scott's preparing for the workshop (http://www.facebook.com/notes/coach-scott-abel/from-the-upcoming-workshop-workbook-i-am-preparing-for-oct-workshop/232412123441527):

I’ve seen competitors/extreme dieters who are thin or lean only a few weeks per year, and then they torture themselves mentally and emotionally by believing their starved selves are their real selves. For many of these types of individuals, food becomes the enemy because it is now directly tied to body image and nothing else. Food becomes a right/wrong, or good/bad- absolute. Therefore so does the way the person feels about herself. Food is the enemy that becomes this thing to fight against, rail against, fear, and understand and conquer. And yet it’s this exact mentality that only further feeds and fuels the food/eating issues. And food instruments, weight scales, food scales etc. now are part of the ammunition used on the self-judgment of good or bad, in the war being waged against yourself in the feeling brain – sometimes described aptly as “the battlefield of the mind” in regards to food issues. But common sense tells anyone that you don’t really need to weigh yourself to know if you are sticking to your healthy eating regimen or not. This process becomes a vicious emotional battle where what you eat, eats you up as well. And as I have said often, even if you are not acting on your food impulses behaviourally - if food and eating and resisting both occupy your mind constantly, then you still have food/eating issues. The act of eating or not eating just separates the type of the food/eating disorder is all.

Physical Symptoms, Emotional Causes

I've been feeling tired. I mean really tired. Ass-dragging, don't-wanna-get-out-of-bed tired. This from someone who has proven again and again she can give 'er when there's very little gas in the tank. You don't get contest ready otherwise.

 

For me, it was when I experienced some down time that the physical symptoms really started to manifest. And it's taken me about a year to figure out how to appropriately feel the emotions associated with the life-stuff going on. I'm getting a lot of this emotional work done right now, but it's through opening myself up to the process and through coaching. I have the keys, but unlocking the answers is not an overnight thing. I don't think the average GP is really equipped to help with this sort of physical stuff. It's labelled "stress" and you're often given a prescription to alleviate symptoms. Not good. But if you're focusing on the symptoms, you're looking in the wrong place for the answers. They might be right in front of you; you just may not be ready or don't want to see them. Yet.

 

So my eyes are open now, and I feel a tremendous weight has been lifted. Does this mean everything is sunshine and roses? No, but it means I'm not stuffing my feelings around the issues anymore. What I'm experiencing must be felt in order to be released. If I bottle it up, one or more things happen: I become irritable; I eat to numb myself; I get sick; I feel so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. And no drug is ever going to relieve these symptoms.

 

Now it's up to me to keep an eye on myself. And when these symptoms come up again, if they do, I need to stop. Look inside. Figure out what it is I'm ignoring. Feel it. Let it go. Then it won't hurt me anymore.

 

 

Food Issues and Emotions

This is not from me, but from my Coach's Facebook page concerning an upcoming blog:

Even excesses themsevles can take on drug-like intensity. 'feeling bad' can become a mode of comfort, simply because it has become familiar, and it is less scary than feeling vulnerable (binge eating nervosa) Using food can at the same time serve as a means to self-induglence, self-nurturing, and self-pinushment with the emotional familiarity to want to feel bad - all at the same time. And yet what is actually real in all of this is the desire to 'feel'.This is why these issues can be so difficult to treat. Thet are multifaceted. So often, the food/eating issue confuses all of these emotional needs into one single mood state that requires relief (usually numbing pain) What is required from a treatment standpoint is separating all these feelings from each other and then addressing them. This is the true emotional housecleaning that must be done. It's about removing emotional clutter. Then labeling and feeling emotions becomes easier, with no guilt and shame attachment. At this point -only then are the perceived food/eating issues weakened substantially.

This is EXACTLY where I am when it comes to "emotional eating." It's not about lackof willpower, lack of focus, or not "wanting it bad enough." All of those things are symptoms of what's going on emotionally/psychologically.

I can't believe what a difference it is making in my life being able to see things differently instead of just pinballing from one life event to the next with no insight whatsoever.

Good stuff.
More at http://www.facebook.com/CoachScottAbel